D&C yesterdasy

I went in yesterday morning for a D&C. It turns out there was still a lot inside my uterus so my Dr was really glad we went that route and so was I. I feel great today, no spotting, no cramping, no pain at all. The Lord was so kind and gracious and they day went as smoothly as it could have.

My friend Carmen was able to come with me. We laughed and joked as they prepped me (that blue hat I had to wear was super cool), put in the IV, etc. Then I remember the nurse giving me something "to help me relax" and the next thing I new I was waking up like 2 hours later. Easy!

Im very thankful for my OB. I still wouldnt want to have a baby with her, I still would want a midwife. But OBs are trained to deal with problems and to do surgeries and she was exactly what I needed through this miscarriage, she was definitely sent by the Lord. She was kind and sensitive, tearing up more than once as I cried in the room with her. Her nurse was also very sensitive and kind

The Lord has lifted depression off of me in the last week. Its a long story but Im lighter and more jofyul - and so thankful. He hears our prayers!!!! I still have sad moments, things that catch my heart and tug at it but thats ok, and normal. Now Im looking forward to recovery and getting back to myself. We will definitely be giving my body and heart a break before thinking of more children ~ but we do still hope for more.

My kids have been so sweet. As wild and crazy (and destructive, oh my goodness!) as they can be, they have been so sensitive to me. Sometimes I cry when laying with Abram and he's always like, "you 'tay mommy? you 'tay?". I just love them all so, so, so much! Despite all thats happened, how could I be anything but thankful for these sweet souls I get to love and be loved by every day? *sigh* :)

A picture of my sweet boys....



(taken with my point and shoot, on the balcony of our hotel room at Great Wolf Lodge a few weeks ago! :))

Graham Cook: The Nature of God, Part 1

(part 2 should show up in the links on the right. Its even better than part 1!)

its worth the 20 minutes!

Back to the hospital

I was almost thinking Id start getting back to normal soon, for a day or two. Then I started bleeding again. An ultrasound showed that I have retained placenta. Its crazy that its been a month and I had no signs, no pain, no infection, etc. So Im going in tomorrow for a D&C. I dont want to go but we gave my body 5 days and its not letting go of very much.

A D&C is what I wanted to avoid from day 1. I nearly missed it in the ER that night I miscarried but that is ok. The Lord knows. I believe, deep down, that He always has my best in mind. and I trust Him. Its not always easy, its not always my first reaction but I trust Him.

to quote Graham Cooke - "He is consistent but He is unpredictable". A friend shared a clip from youtube and its been a blessing - helping me keep my mind focused on the Good and Kind nature of God and not my circumstances. I will post them after this.

good night blog, world & friends. Pray for me tomorrow! :)

Plans Change

When I was in the hospital we had to cancel Abrams 2yr birthday party. That week, while I was recovering, was my birthday and our 10yr anniversary.

We were supposed to go tonight to a fondue restaurant and have a romantic night out. Except my body decided to ovulate - and painfully. Id never felt ovulation until my cycles returned after my last child. Today is the most painful its been. Tension is high over here anyways and so we just ended up staying in. Its disappointing but kind of fits with how things are right now.

Steve and I have been leading a life group at our church for awhile. We decided to step down this week. We just have nothing to give right now. Everyone is totally understanding and supportive and on our team. I love the way people love at our church, so readily and without judgement. Like Jesus does. So we are going to focus on our marriage and our kids and getting back on track with life. I know we will come out stronger on the other side. Its hard to walk through these times, I just hate it all some days, but "this too (really) shall pass"

My mom flys home tomorrow. Well actually she's flying to my sisters house. My sister is very pregnant with my second niece, due in about a month. Im supposed to fly out for her labor/delivery to be her doula and photograph ... praying it all works out. That will have to be a God thing!

Even on the hardest, darkest days there is hope. Even right now when God feels far, I know my feelings arent reality. He reaches out, gives me glimpses of light ... and I am so thankful

Life

I came back to you, oh deserted blog, to whine. Then I remembered that I started a thankfulness series and only posted once. That just makes me want to cry more.

Hormones are rough. If you are female, you are nodding your head. Its really hard to have crazy post partum hormones when you dont have a baby to smile at, nurse and cuddle. Im thankful I have 4 beautiful blessings though, its hard to feel sorry for myself when I know how blessed I am to have them. Especially little Abram. Oh that boy is SO two and SO crazy right now with his molars coming in. But he can make me smile and remind why we do this everyday.

Its been a weepy day. Everything feels huge and overwhelming. I hate that feeling. I feel like Im slipping down a mountain side that Ive been grasping on to with all my might for too long. Im too tired to do it anymore\. Im just behind in every area (spiritually, house, kids, school) and cant keep up with life right now. (you should see my house - complete wreck)

I have good days, days of hope and energy, etc. But these weepy days, though few, are so hard. Praying for some things to change soon - in my outlook, in my disciplines, etc. Ill share more when they do actually change, right now it would just be too vulnerable and depressing to share.

So Ill end with thankfulness .... Im thankful for how the Lord has provided for us. My sweet friends brought meals for 2 weeks (thank you!!!). then my mom came to visit and bought us a ton of food. After months and months of a lean pantry and refrigerator its been nice to not have to worry about that. Kids are so much happier when there is plenty of food and snacks too, and that makes my job easier. Because we've saved money from not buying as many groceries, we have had enough for some expenses that have come up. He is so good. He feels far away because Im trapped in my emotions but I know He is there. Im thankful for healthcare too. As much as Im fearing those hospital bills that will begin arriving any day now, Im thankful there as medical care to be had and that Im still here to blog about it.

more soon. maybe. hopefully with better news.